Pre-Project Concerns

K-Lai — Fri, 06 May 2005 03:29:00 -0700

I dread Project Impact.

Don’t get me wrong; I’m excited to see what God’s going to be doing, to learn more about who He is, and to grow as a man of God. However, I’m also pretty sure that this summer’s going to bring out a lot of ugliness that I already see in myself that will not be pleasant.

God’s been showing me so clearly that I don’t know very much. I feel completely inadequate to be leading a small group. I can’t say that I’ve learned more than any of the guys in my group – some of these men have been walking with God about as long as I have, and been more intentional about knowing Him than I ever had. What experiences (besides 2-3 years of college) could I share with them? What vision could I cast that they haven’t already heard? What passion could I awaken in them so that they will be excited about knowing God more after the summer? I don’t know if I can model the principles I preach any better than I did two or three years ago. I think that I will probably end up learning more this summer than my guys will.

I need to have spiritual authority to carry true respect this summer. However, even as I pray for God to fill me with His Spirit and grant me that authority, I shudder to think of how unprepared I am to “command” that authority. How am I supposed to serve the brothers and sisters around me in such a way as to win their respect and subsequently earn the right to share what little I have learned? Am I willing to make myself lower than everyone for the sake of the gospel, for the sake of unity? Do I have what it takes to earn the respect of my employers and coworkers so that I can be sharing the gospel with them and have it mean something to them? I know that I have been placed in positional authority, but halfway into the summer that position’s going to mean absolutely nothing to my small group. They may respect that positional authority for a season; maybe out of fear, maybe out of expectation, but as soon as they “get used” to me, or know how much they can slack off, that respect will no longer be enough to maintain any semblance of discipline. How often do we do that to God! We think that God’s cut us some slack, so we push the boundaries of purity and holiness just a little bit more. I need to learn more about how to completely submit my will to His and follow God’s guidance.

I intensely dislike taking charge. Let me tell you, I’ve slowly grown to learn how to lead. But, it’s much easier for me to suggest ideas and then let someone else make the final decision. I like to meet needs – spot the need, figure out what needs to be done about it, find the people who can do the job, do the job well, and get out. I don’t like to be in the spotlight, making glamorous decisions and being the strong and fearless leader. However, even now I’m seeing that I may need to be more intentional about doing that. It’s not just with my small group either – I may need to step out and encourage and motivate the leaders to continue fighting for unity and speak up when people are just trying to “accommodate” for the sake of “unity.” I dislike choleric traits with every fiber of my being, but I may have to take on some because people drag their feet and are unwilling to compromise. Maybe it’s a cultural thing too – there are just some people who are highly opinionated and cannot see or understand that the tasks God gives us are far bigger than our own desires or comfort. I need to learn how to concede the most; to give up myself the most; to joyfully yield all of my perceived rights for His sake, that we would all be united in heart and mind.

I cannot depend on any encouragement from others. I should not do that anyways, but I think this will become ever more apparent during the summer. This is a generation of ungrateful people. I am ungrateful too. And although I have a heart and passion for encouraging people and lifting up their burdens, I still have a long ways to go in terms of truly blessing others and reminding them of God’s faithfulness. So, I see a great need now for me to remind myself daily of who God is and what He’s working in me and through me. Relying on His Word to refresh me, reading through the truth that He’s spoken through my life, and hearing the things God’s taught me and shown me will be so vital, especially during the tough seasons when it will feel like I’m taking on the whole Project by myself. I’d like to be a constant source of encouragement to everyone during the summer, but if I am not drawing up on the Source of encouragement, I will end up being bummed out all the time. I also need to know to give myself alone time to relax and do something diverting. I could easily delude myself into believing that I don’t deserve time to myself. However, it’s one way to recharge my batteries and help keep me going.

There’s more, which I might post at a future time. However, it is almost 3:30, and I’m getting too old to pull all-nighters.

k-lai.com: Pre-Project Concerns

Pre-Project Concerns