Stuck

K-Lai — Mon, 13 Oct 2008 04:35:00 -0700

Well, here I am, a mere 20 minutes away from driving off to start yet another rotation. I doubt I’ll be able to fully describe what is going on in my head at this point, but since it’s been quite a while since I’ve posted anything of consequence, I decided I’d give it a shot.

So what all have I been up to? Well, lately my life has mostly been comprised of clinical rotations (which are work in the context of school), studying for major exams, being involved at church, and talking with people whenever I have free time. Oh yeah, and sending off applications for residency. It’s been a busy season, but I’ve had a good time with everything and while I’ve been challenged, I can’t say that life is terrible.

All of this makes me wonder why it is that deep down in my soul I feel like I am stuck in a world in which I don’t want to be. I feel as though my life has become defined by my activities, rather than by my relationship with God and the purpose He has for my life. I just had a 4-day weekend (I sure am going to miss Fall Break), but even with an extra two days of time away from school I am left feeling as though I need more rest.

I feel trapped. Trapped by other people’s expectations. Trapped by my standards, which are even higher than what other people may want of me. Trapped by what I think God wants. I’m swimming in the ocean of lies that tells me that I am defined by what I do, and because I can do so much, I should make good use of every talent that God has given me…and I should do it all right now. What I desire doesn’t matter. Everything happens according to God’s plan, so stop wanting things and just be obedient.

But God does not value me based on my performance. He doesn’t judge me according to what I specialize in, what things I do or don’t do in church, who I talk with, or how high my test scores are. What He ultimately desires is for me to know Him intimately. How it plays out in action flows directly from that relationship.

So now the challenge for me is to take the time to be still and know Him. Know that He is exalted above the nations. Understand and be joined in spirit with His heart’s desires. Drown in the grace that He offers the world. Breathe in the love He lavishes upon us. Remember that I am liberated in Jesus.

k-lai.com: Stuck

Stuck