Here’s a little morsel of what I learned while I was in Peru.

Experiencing grace is nothing like just knowing about grace. As a high achiever (some would say an over-achiever), I beat myself up pretty badly whenever I mess up. It doesn’t really matter what it is – missing too many questions on a test, speaking harshly to someone or to a group of people, realizing that I’m a completely worthless jerk most of the time – I can get a sense of hopelessness, that there is no escape from my lowly state.

And it’s somewhat true. While I still live, I will never measure up to the high standards I have placed on myself. And if my standards are so high, God’s standards are infinitely higher. There is nothing I can do to attain the perfection I seek.

And that is where grace meets me. Grace comes from an outside source. It is freely given out of a heart of love and forgiveness. Grace says that someone else has paid the price for my failures. Grace means that perfection has been given to me through no merit of my own.

This is mind-blowing to me. All week long I saw so many ugly parts of my life surface – my selfishness, my greed, my pride and arrogance, my anger – and my heart despaired, because I knew that I was wholly unable to merit favor with God or men on my own. I have heard of grace for most of my life. My Chinese name means “abundant grace.” But truly experiencing grace for my own faults? I doubt I dwell on those feelings for very long.

I began last week’s trip with a fresh awareness of my own faults and the Mr. Hyde that lurks within my heart. As I became more keenly aware of how far I fall from my standards and God’s standards, my heart despaired, because I want to do good, I want to be a good person. But despite all of my efforts, I’m still condemned to be a horrible person. I still get angry at people. I still lie, cheat, and manipulate to get my way. I still feel like I’m better than others, even though I am not.

But I’m so thankful that it’s not the end of the story. “For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith – and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God—not by works, so that no one can boast” (Ephesians 2:9-10). My failures have sentenced me for death. But Someone Else has paid the price for my failures. My justification has given me a new heart, one that seeks to do good and right things. Mr. Hyde will haunt my thoughts and actions from time to time, but the grace that has been extended to me by Jesus Christ frees me to do good. And, I hope, that this wonderful grace that has been given to me will motivate me to show grace and mercy to those around me.

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I’m a failure today
I think I have all the signs
I can’t believe I’m here again
Oh, why can’t I succeed?

So I turn to You and I pray
How could You love me anyway?
Nothing good comes from man
But You say, “Come and follow Me”

Oh, You take all my worries
You take my fears
You take all my failures
You, You set me free, I’m free
I’m free

Today’s a new day
Walking in Your loving grace
You bring promises
Removing my weighing chains

And I turn to You and I pray
How could You love me anyway?
Nothing good comes from man
But You say, “Come and follow Me”

Oh, You take all my worries
You take my fears
You take all my failures
You, You set me free, I’m free
I’m free

Oh, my Jesus, You set me free

Free
Kristen Davison
© 2005 Kristen Davison